The Quiet Face of Confidence

If confidence had a voice, we would naturally expect it to be loud. For in our minds, confidence is all about being heard and being seen. Primarily, about being noticed.

Confidence may well be called a psychological superpower. It tops everyone’s wish list. Even the introvert longs to sing out loud. And why not? Confidence makes us stand several inches taller, squares our shoulders, and powers us up to go those extra steps. When we are self-assured, words flow easily, and our assertive action subdues our overthinking. We become a reason to remember. A spirited person is a surefire crowd puller. So, we often assume that the most confident people are extroverts with outgoing personalities, expressive communication, and strong social skills.

Now here lies the simple twist. Confidence has nothing to do with the decibel of our personalities. It lies in the preparedness of our minds. Once, a much-admired film star was asked how she always managed to breathe life and fun into the events she attended. She responded that she carefully studied the backgrounds of the cause, the attendees, and the organizers before coming. That way, she felt she always had an added edge of knowledge, due to which her audience found her comments witty, relevant, and interesting. While others tried to wing it, she researched, rehearsed, and prepared. She ended up casually dominating her space. All by doing her homework. Her confidence wasn’t loud. It was earned.

Confidence is buildable

Our self-worth directly depends on how valuable we feel in our circle. Like polishing adds to a gem’s value, a thorough brushing up of our character and caliber beams up our presence, and consequently, our confidence.

How do we determine our individual worth?

The first step of confidence is to like ourselves. Our worth, whether from our own perspective or others’, depends on our merits.

Intrinsic value - Our character, appearance, moral virtues, and personality traits define who we are. Once we approve of ourselves and are proud of who we are, our confidence soars.

Instrumental value - Self-confidence is not feasible without self-competence. Our achievements are directly proportionate to how well we deploy our abilities. Being talented or skillful is not enough. Execution is the key. Successful performances and results propel self-esteem as well as world esteem. Our functional value is our greatest cheerleader in stoking our self-worth.

Simply put, our intrinsic value causes liking while our instrumental value commands respect. Once we find the route to both, our confidence becomes more than a garb; it becomes our nature. There is no longer a need to raise our voices to be heard.

Where does the inner steel come from?

Knowing you are enough

The quietude in confidence comes from a calm mind. When proving to others how smart you are is not your top agenda, the bluster dies down. A truly brave veteran never plays the trumpet off-field. Einstein never talked about his intelligence. Rather, he did the opposite and often discussed his flaws. Confident people just know their worth. And are secure about it.

Our spectrum of confidence largely depends on finding the hidden gems in ourselves. Every little victory counts. I was not chosen to deliver the presentation, but my slides made it to the final show. Reason to celebrate! If we just tweak our perspective, the multi-coloured feathers in our cap become obvious. Why should I fret over my looks when my personality is out to make an impact? Who cared about the social status of a young Maya Angelou when her brimming empathy and courage stunned the world? The tools matter, not the toolbox. When we value our job-specific hard skills over our job title, our resilience over our athletic skills, and the difference we make to others’ lives over our friends list, we begin to love ourselves better and deeper.

Channeling inner strength

Confidence is not a gift, but a well-practiced skill. It cannot be downloaded in a minute. It has to be painfully installed, over time, with updates and unexpected crashes. Like an exam requirement, preparing diligently is a precondition for confidence. Joe Navarro, former FBI agent and body language expert, talks about investing energy in building confidence – “Take refuge in knowing that if I sit down and study this material, I will know it better than my audience.”

Competence is the seed from which confidence sprouts.

Being open to grow

Gymnastic icon Simone Biles made an uncharacteristic mistake on her first day at the 2019 U.S. Women’s Gymnastics Championships. She was disappointed with herself - “As soon as I fell on floor, I was like, ‘That’s it, I’m scratching the meet. I’m walking off the floor.”

She didn’t. Instead, she controlled her mind, refocused, and executed a historic double-twisting, double somersault routine the very next day. The new vault was named after her - Biles II.

Confidence is not about always being right. It is about not fearing to be wrong. About being open to reinventing the self. We are all guilty of our own set of endless excuses - I am not built for sports; Math is not my strong point; too old to dance; she will not like my type; luck never favors me. Spunk seeps in quietly when we take risks or challenge ourselves. As leadership expert, Robin Sharma says, “As you move outside of your comfort zone, what was once the unknown and frightening becomes your new normal.”

Seeking help

The unknown is often baffling. However, most of us feel embarrassed to ask for help. It’s ok, I’ll manage, we kid ourselves. Our ego tries to dress up as confidence. But the two are poles apart - ego is loud and seeks constant attention. Genuine confidence is calm and unafraid to seek guidance. Self-assured individuals are more focused on personal growth - they neither brag nor are defensive. They rely on mentors to upskill themselves and let go of the need to constantly be on top.

Feeling free

Snapping the shackles of external validation is our route to freedom. Confidence is nothing but freedom from fear. We fear failures and rejections. We are afraid to appear stupid or rude. To cover up our fear, we try to project an external bravado that is more of a bluff than a belief in ourselves.

Nothing gets rid of fear and self-criticism better than action. It sweeps away negative self-talk. Doing is a form of assertion, a way of voicelessly saying - Watch me. Our work delivers proof to convince the world that we are worthy. We notice it too, and our confidence soars.

Confidence is the full picture, not the rock music

Real confidence is not about thrusting your opinion on others. We often encounter the argumentative co-worker or socializer who is out to prove his point. He talks more than he listens. Little does he realize that lending a quiet ear not only makes him a better conversationalist but also makes others more open to his point of view. Contrary to popular belief, confidence is not speech-dependent. It can exist in one’s presence, abilities, and emotional balance.

Take Tom Hanks, for instance. In a field where one needs sky-high visibility, he lets his work do all the talking. His humility and humor are nothing but the projections of his self-assured nature. His social media posts often feature single gloves! Through his quiet power, he shifts the attention away from himself to promote his initiatives, raise awareness, and make a difference.

Making a difference adds miles to confidence. The positive impact is akin to a quiet round of applause. Which, in turn, fuels the mesolimbic system or the brain’s reward system to release dopamine to make us feel good and increase our motivation.

True confidence comes from a composed conviction. It is really a measure of how comfortable we are in our own skin. In the end, confidence is less about noise and more about a steady inner light. Its impact lasts long after the applause fades, quietly shaping the way we walk through the world.

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REFERENCES

Armour, N. (2019, August 10). Opinion: Competitiveness is what takes U.S. gymnast Simone Biles from good to GOAT. USA TODAY. https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/columnist/nancy-armour/2019/08/10/gymnastics-poor-night-brings-out-best-olympian-simone-biles/1974366001/